


Now and Then...

by mirkwood131



Series: EXO Central [6]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 12:12:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13341009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirkwood131/pseuds/mirkwood131
Summary: dystopian boarding school!au in which Baekhyun is in love with Chanyeol and Chanyeol is in love with Kyungsoo.





	Now and Then...

**Author's Note:**

> it was extremely, let's say, interesting to write this.  
> mostly, the relationship between chanyeol and kyungsoo is based on mine with my best friend.  
> also, i know this is a first pov, but it felt the most natural way to write this fic; i think i've been a inspired by kazuo ishiguro's book, "never let me go"  
> songs i listened to while writing this:  
> [ Dream-Bolbbalgan4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5F_FeAPoDf0)  
> [ Crying out-Kyungsoo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kas7FHW8cCg)  
> [ My annoying brother OST](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C271IWMrvQo)
> 
> enjoy :)

21 September, 3010

It was late July when I found out about the experiment. Actually, Kyungsoo was the one to tell me, one extremely humid night, when we both sneaked out of the boarding school.

Every summer, since middle school, that would have been our ritual, the only sane action that made us feel like we were free at times. It even seemed like the guardians were less strict with us. Or that’s what we thought, before everything had unleashed, and we returned to our former cage.

At first, I did not believe him. Or, in fact, I tried not to, so I simply stopped thinking about his words, soon after. He didn’t try to convince me anymore of anything, but I was clearly aware of what he thought of me.

Kyungsoo was not an open book back then, as he isn’t right now. But, for as long as I had known him, he had tried at every step to perfect me. To make me better. Shrugging his words off was a downfall in his mind.

But right at the beginning of this same September, it became harder and harder to avoid the truth in what he had told me. Everything that was happening seemed to be there to prove to me that I was wrong and he was right once again. Until today, I do not know how he had figured it out.

He was smarter than me, diligent and organized. Sharp in tongue, but lethally quiet.

There had always been something that he didn’t like about me. Whether it had been the clothes, my gestures or simply, the way I talked. Kyungsoo corrected me, explained how I should act and mocked.

I didn’t mind anything, but the mocking. The subtle irony in his voice or the blatant words that made me feel stupid. Most of the time, they made me laugh too, but now I suppose, it was only trying to cover the hurt.

He was my best friend, in the end.

I suppose I shall tell you that I had met him the year I had come to the school called “Minchester Preparatory for Gifted Pupils”. It was a rainy September day, which had been so clearly engraved into my mind until now. My parents had only told me that it was a boarding institution; later on, over the years that kept passing, I had realized that I would only see them 6 more times, until 7th grade.

At first, maybe even until Kyungsoo had told me those things about this school, I did not understand why I had been chosen to be one if its students. I was and am no gifted individual, possessing extraordinary skills and talents. But at the time, I did not think too much about the reasoning behind me studying there; I assume that it scared me to figure out the truth. The idea of not being fit for my role, of disappointing everybody, had followed me until now. One funny thing is that, as much as I had tried to run away from it, I simply couldn’t. I kept proving to everyone and to Kyungsoo, how imperfect I was in fact.

When I think back at all of it, it had only mattered what he thought of me.

We did not click at first. In that yard filled with children my age, there was no way I could notice his small figure. Everyone was so tall and beautiful, and when I was glancing at my parents, there was envy on their faces. I did not look like any of them.

Back at home, I was talkative by nature. Happy, not worrying about how others would perceive me. The moment I stepped between those gates, everything broke.

Somehow, I did notice him, and our eyes met for a fraction of second. It seemed, that even from back then, he had known what everything was all about. He looked like a kindergartener, but with a glint in his eyes that set him apart from everyone else. For some reason, he appeared to be the least approachable of all.

My parents eventually left and I was alone between those walls, sleeping in a room with 5 other boys that I did not know.

Baekhyun I met later on, when we were both in middle school. But until I properly introduced myself to Kyungsoo, I was alone among so many strangers.

The school was grey and cold, and most of the boys had already known each other from back home. Nobody paid any attention to me, not even the teachers, who only talked to me when it was necessary.

A week in, I discovered that my room was right next to Kyungsoo’s. Neighbors, I liked to call it.

We were not talking, but sometimes, when no one was looking, he was glancing at me and me at him. It was a silent exchange, both two shadows for the rest. So, it almost felt like the next ordinary step when one day I approached his desk that was right behind mine.

“Do you want to go to the library with me?” I asked Kyungsoo and he looked at me and smiled, before he said anything.

“Sure.”

It felt natural, the entire small conversation we’ve just had. When I found him waiting for me, right in front of the classroom, it almost came as a surprise; I didn’t actually think that he would remember.

But he did and from then on, like a tacit understanding, we became friends.

Our friendship proved to be bumpy from the beginning. The next day, he was right there, beside the door to my shared room, at 7:53. Classes always started at 8 sharp and I would only wake up at 7:35.

“You’re late.” that’s all that he said and began walking, so I followed him, trying to keep up with his pace. I knew, right from that moment that he was displeased with me.

He was 8 months younger than me, but he acted as if he had been older.

“I’m sorry. I overslept.” I said to him when we finally entered the classroom. We were back then in the same class, before the guardians had started mixing us up.

“Well, don’t be lazy and oversleep tomorrow too.” he said and for some reason, his words hurt.

When I look back at it, I suppose that from the beginning I was trying to make him see me as an equal. But I also thought that he was so much better than me.

In the end, I wasn’t lonely anymore. Our friendship progressed naturally, but with each day, his words were becoming even harsher.

Sometimes, I was going back to my room crying.

Nobody seemed to ever care about my distraught, neither the boys, nor the guardians. Guardians was the name we had been using for the teachers. This is how they liked to be called and we never questioned it. Later, when Kyungsoo told me that night about the experiment, everything made sense, even those names. We never knew their real ones, each and every one of them was to be addressed as “Guardian”.

At the school, we were taught Mathematics, English, History, Geography and Physical Education. Every month they would send us to the medical office, to measure us and take blood samples.

I found out, a month after school had started, that Kyungsoo was squeamish. He fell straight onto the floor when the nurse came next to him holding a big needle. All the boys around him began laughing, but the woman shushed them out. When he came back, 15 minutes later, he had a patch on his arm.

We did not talk about it, not even to this day.

I don’t remember much more than this from my first 4 years at the boarding school. My memories are all mixed, figments of Kyungsoo and me arguing, the guardians being unhappy with my grades, sleepless nights spent missing home. I only seem to recollect the bad ones.

All those summers were spent back at home, but with each passing year, I was feeling further and further away from the place I grew up in. I had never kept in touch with Kyungsoo throughout those short holidays and my parents had never found out about our friendship; it only made everything easier and harder at the same time. But when September came, it always seemed as if we had never been away from each other.

When we entered middle school, I met Baekhyun. At the beginning of the 5th grade, our former roommates were replaced by new ones, and he was one of them, taking the bed right above mine.

I did not talk to him at first, but chance made that one week later to be rushing into the room, crying. Not to this day can I remember what Kyungsoo had told me, but I suppose it had something to do with my improper hygiene. He liked to say that I was mangy.

When I stepped in, Baekhyun was sitting on one of the bunk beds, with a book on his lap. We were not allowed to have any sort of technological devices at the boarding school. In time, it felt natural.

I immediately stopped and covered my face with both hands. Kyungsoo and no one else had never seen me crying and I had never told him about how I felt.

But Baekhyun noticed and stood up. He came straight up to me and touched my arm.

“Do you want some candy? I stole them from the cafeteria.” he smiled at me, shoving in my hands a couple of hard candies that he had in his pockets. We ate them all that afternoon, talking with our mouth full, and at every second, I was waiting for him to say how uncivilized and barbaric I was. The words never came.

It was shocking, as it seemed like he didn’t mind my terrible behavior.

“So…I saw you hanging out with that boy, Kyungsoo.” he said and shoved the wrapping underneath the mattress. I laughed, looking at mine, a colorful array, right next to my thigh. He took them too, and did the same thing with them.

We both burst out in laughter, but I was still uncertain about what I was supposed to tell him.

“I’ve known him from the first grade.”

“He’s quite a dick, you know that?” he laughed and suddenly, all the hurt and frustration were coming back to me, as I recalled what he said to me. I was angry and hurt.

“Did he do something to you today?” Baekhyun asked, but I shook my head. I couldn’t talk behind his back, or could I?

That was the first time I told someone about what annoyed me about Kyungsoo. What he had been saying to me every single day. To be fair, I wanted to be proven right, that my anger was legitimate.

“And you consider him your friend? If my best friend called me dirty and stupid, I would punch him in the balls.” he said, and kicked the air with his fist. I laughed, but deep inside, I knew that I was guilty.

The guilt had been churning my mind the entire night and the next day, when I saw Kyungsoo, I expected him to shout or give me a disapproving glance. He did none of that.

Weeks kept passing by just as fast, the visits to the medical office were even more frequent, at every 2 weeks.

The summers of the 5th and 6th grade were the last ones when I could go home and see my parents. Afterwards, when more and more people outside the school had begun to get sick and die, the guardians said it was all too dangerous. We were gifted. Needed to be protected.

In all those 6 years, no one bothered to explain to us why so many people kept dying of strange diseases and why the government was doing nothing about it. Our parents were not talking about it either, and at school, we were too afraid to ask anyone. It all had been a vicious cycle.

I found out, right at the beginning of the 7th grade, that my mother had unexpectedly died. Kyungsoo’s parents had passed away much earlier, when we were only in the 3rd grade.

I wasn’t allowed to go to her funeral.

That day, I remember that it rained so hard and it was so cold that they had to turn on the heating. Kyungsoo dragged me to the small pavilion in the park surrounding the school. He was undoubtedly not fond of Baekhyhn, but he had never said a thing about our friendship. On the other hand, Baekhyun was always saying what a terrible friend Kyungsoo really was. I was only nodding and weakly smiling.

The day at the pavilion, Kyungsoo brought a blanket and 2 sandwiches with him. We wrapped ourselves in it and ate the food in silence. I didn’t cry that day, or during the ones that came afterwards.

Now, I realize that I was craving affection. Kyungsoo had always been cold and somewhat distant towards me. That one time, maybe because he felt sorry for me, he had an arm around my shoulder, holding me tight at his chest. We didn’t talk, and he didn’t tell me that I ate with my mouth open or that there were too many crumbs of bread on the blanket.

“I like you.” is what he said and looked at me, expecting me to probably say the same thing to him.

But I couldn’t. My tongue was glued to my teeth and all the anger was coming back to me. All those moments when he made me feel so unfit, so stupid and lonely and such a shitty excuse of a human being were hitting me. All the nights I had been crying, all because of him.

In 7th grade I stopped weeping because of him.

“Do you want to be with me?” he asked and looked at me, and everything felt out of place. I expected anything, but not this. Kyungsoo didn’t like me. Not in that way. In my mind at the time, you didn’t treat the person you loved like that: with disdain.

So I shook my head, but I did not move further away from him.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I said, and afterwards we laid there in silence.

Now, when I look back at it, we were too young to understand the implications of his words or mine. If I were to choose again, I would say the same thing.

Afterwards, we were acting as nothing had happened. I even forgot about the incident, but I’m not sure about him. I did not tell anything to Baekhyun about it or to anyone else. There were no other people besides them two that I could talk to, anyways.

Day by day, I was complaining less and less to Baekhyun about Kyungsoo.  

But the peak was reached in high school, when nothing Kyungsoo would have said, touched me anymore. It almost seemed as if I had been indestructible, but I weren’t. From time to time, I would break and cry underneath the blanket thinking only about him and how horribly imperfect I were.

My father died when I finished middle school. I didn’t talk to him since the summer of the 6th grade, and time seemed to have erased so many memories I still had with him. He was a little more than a shadow in my mind at that point. I didn’t cry then either.

We knew that more and more people were dying, that newer diseases were spreading throughout the country. The check-ups were once a week, when we entered 9th grade, and they took days and days to complete.

We knew it, from the way the guardians were looking at us, scared glances and shushed words behind doors that nothing was alright. I believe that in the 9th grade everything was on the edge of crumbling to pieces. Maybe even earlier, when they stopped letting us go home for the summer breaks.

It’s now clear that we should have seen it, put everything together, piece to piece. But we didn’t. At the time, we only cared about our own little problems.

At the end of 8th grade, right when the hottest summer we had ever encountered started, Kyungsoo got his first boyfriend.

The rules said that we were not allowed to have any type of romantic or sexual relationship with the same gender. It was written in bold, red letter and voiced at the beginning of each year. But no one ever cared about that anymore. Not when each and every one of us craved affection.

I don’t remember the boy’s face. It didn’t last more than 2 weeks, but I wasn’t jealous. More so, I was curious and eager to be with someone too.

Kyungsoo didn’t tell me what he did or not did with him, and barely mentioned his name. Jongin.

One night, I told Baekhyun about it and he only giggled in response. To be fair, I wasn’t feeling sexually attracted to anyone. There was no need in me to be intimate with someone. At night, in the shower, I was masturbating sometimes, quickly and scared not to be caught. But that was all.

One time, heading to the library on a hot summer day, I saw a glimpse of two naked bodies on a bed. It scared me, for some reason, so I walked away, but the image is still just as bright on my mind to this day. It managed to be one of the only memories I can so vividly picture in my head.

This was the second thing I didn’t tell Baekhyun. How could I?

At the beginning of high school, Kyungsoo had started correcting my grammar.

We would leave our rooms in the middle of the night and walk to the pavilion. Baekhyun was going with us too. There wasn’t much talking involved, mostly silence, but it gave us the feeling that we were free. The outside world felt like such a strange and dangerous place to us, looking at it from behind a tall fence.

The only remaining adults in our lives were the guardians: cold and impersonal. It was known that people from the outside were coming to deliver food and clothes and all the necessities, but we had never seen them.

In the 9th grade, they started locking up the school at night. The fences separating us from the outside world were even higher and still, during the winter, right when Christmas came, a boy got sick.

They locked him in a separate room and told us that it was just a cold. But the days kept passing and the boy was still somewhere, away from the rest of us. In the end, we all forgot about it, or so we thought.

The check-ups were even more frequent. At every sign of cough or sneeze, the nurse would come and do all sorts of tests on us. Some unlucky ones were being locked in separate rooms, but most of them were being released.

That’s how the end of the school year caught us.

Kyungsoo, Baekhyun and me found a way to escape the school at night. There was one door, a small one that was never locked. That was the way to our so called freedom: 30 minutes of breathing the humid summer air in the small pavilion.

Fortunately, we had never been caught, and we kept sneaking out for the remaining 4 years.

We did not know what was supposed to happen to us once we finished high school. The thought of living once again in the outside word was frightening me. I did not know anything about it anymore. There was no one there, waiting for me and probably for none of us. Behind those tall fences was our home, our safety and everything we knew.

In that summer, between the 9th and 10th grade, Kyungsoo was in another relationship, with just another boy whose name I don’t remember. They were spending so much time together that I was barely seeing him, and when we did meet, everything was rushed.

We got colder.

That very same summer, another boy got sick; he was one year younger than us, thin and frail. They locked him up and never talked about it again. This time, students were shushing at night about it and I could feel that we were all scared. Who was the next one to get sick?

I started spending more and more time with Baekhyun. He had become Kyungsoo’s replacement, I realize it right now. It didn’t feel the same, but it didn’t hurt as much.

Towards the end of the break, we were going to the pavilion without him. Sometimes, we would bring a blanket when the nights were cold and during the last week, Baekhyun told me that he loves me.

I had known him for 5 years, going on 6. He was quick tempered, funny and always there for me. Somehow, I always took him for granted because I was still afraid that I would disappoint, that I would lose Kyungsoo.

I did not love Baekhyun. Not in that way, but I said those words back anyways.

“I love you.” I said.

His face was covered by shadows, but I knew that he was looking at my face. I felt his lips on mine. My first kiss. It didn’t feel like anything. Quick and awkward, as none of us had actually kissed someone else before.

“I liked you from the first time I saw you. But when you came that day, almost crying because of Kyungsoo…I knew that…” he said and leaned in to kiss me once again.

I should have felt regret, I should have felt something, but I did not. Guilt, but once I was in my own bed.

This time, he tried to open his mouth but I didn’t know what he was doing, so I pulled back and he laughed.

“I love you.” I said once again, just to see him smile.

We then ran back inside the school, holding hands and I was sure that Baekhyun was happy.

In the morning, I found out that Kyungsoo broke up with his boyfriend. He got bored of him, of how stupid and dull he was. I did not tell him that I kissed Baekhyun or that I said that I loved him. I knew what Kyungsoo would have said about all of this. That I was made out of stone.

Eventually he did found out when one night, back in the pavilion Baekhyun kissed me. He probably wanted to prove something, but Kyungsoo did not say anything about it, initially. He then cornered me in the library and made me spill everything. He seemed happy for me, not mocking in any way.

When 10th grade started, another student got sick. A boy from our room. Oh Sehun. 2 years younger than us, still quite small and quiet. I had never talked to him and when the nurses came to take him out of our room in the middle of the night, I knew we might be next. Nothing was certain anymore at the boarding school.

He was gone. The next day his bed was emptied and all his things had disappeared. Like he had never existed. We were now only 4 boys left in the room.

One night, when everyone else was sleeping, Baekhyun crawled into my bed and hugged me tightly.

“Chanyeol? Are you asleep?”

“No…”

“Are you afraid?” he asked me and I did not know what to say.

Of course I was. Everyone was less happy and talkative. The teachers stricter, the check-ups even worse.

“A little. But everything will be fine.” I said, patting his back. His grip was just as tight as before.

“Chanyeol?”

“Yes?” I said and I yawned.

“I want-I want…why is this so difficult to say?” he laughed, hiding his head in the crook of my neck.

I kept wondering if one of the other boys had woken up.

“I want to make love to you.” he whispered and I barely heard him.

We had been together for a couple of months now, but I knew we were still acting just like friends. Sometimes, at night he would kiss me goodnight and hug me tighter, but nothing more.

I did not say anything; how could I have hurt him like that?

“Channie? You are quiet.” he said, but I was because I knew this was about to come, but I was still not ready.

I did not love Baekhyun, not in the way he wanted me to. Had he ever noticed?

He lightly kissed me on the lips and I tightened my grip on him.

“I love you. So much.” I said and he kissed me once more, smiling.

The tenth year of living at the boarding school was the most painful out of all of them. A week later, I heard Baekhyun cough for the first time. It was quick and muffled by his scarf. There was no one around, and we kept quiet. Another week had passed and one night, he crawled once again into my bed. He felt so thin into my arms.

“Channie…it’s almost my birthday.” he said.

One more week, and he would have been 17.

I kissed him on the lips and pulled him closer to me, tighter and then I heard him gasp and move further away from me.

“Baek. What’s wrong?” I asked him and then he shook his head.

I did not want to believe anything, so I just lied to myself that he was alright. The cough was nothing.

When I woke up the next morning, two nurses stormed into our room and grabbed Baekhyun from his bed. How could they find out?!

I don’t remember almost anything, only his cries and last glance he gave me, before he was pushed into the hallway. Suddenly, Kyungsoo was right next to me, holding me tight in his arms as I cried or only stared at his bed. I don’t remember.

Baekhyun was gone. We both knew he wasn’t going to come back, but every night I had been still waiting for him. For some reason, I kept on remembering the night when he asked me to make love to him. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have truly loved him.

We were now 3 in the room and day by day, the hallways were emptier and emptier.

Kyungsoo and me were not sneaking out anymore.

At the end of the 10th grade, we were fewer in the school. So many rooms were now empty and Kyungsoo even told me one day that some of the guardians got sick too. No one was happy or chatty anymore, the meaningless banter had quickly died down as more and more boys from our year were taken away.

I was afraid. Every day I kept looking at Kyungsoo and I kept seeing Baekhyun, dragged by those two nurses, God knows where.

He was quieter than usual, keeping closer to me and disappearing without saying one word.

At some point, I realized, he had stopped correcting me, telling me how stupid I could be. But by then, it was all in my system. When I was hearing myself say the wrong word I would hear his voice in my head. Admonishing. Mocking. When I was pointing at something, my hand would rapidly fall down.

But Kyungsoo had finally stopped and I was so imperfect.

The summer eventually came, so humid and hot, but we were not allowed to go outside. More and more boys were falling sick and I was wondering when we will be next.

One night, Kyungsoo came to my bed and crawled in, next to me. The room was empty, except for the two of us.

“You are my brother, you know that, do you?” he said and I nodded.

I hated Kyungsoo all my life, without even knowing it. It had always been a strange hate, one that eats you alive but you still can’t let go of the one you so much despise. I simply couldn’t. He was part of my being, of my soul. It would have meant to let go of all of me, to destroy his own creation by letting go of him. 

In those years, he had managed to make me.

“No matter what happens, you…” he said, but didn’t finish the sentence.

I hugged him tighter and I remembered once again of the night they had taken Baekhyun. It seemed like years ago, with everything so blurry in my head.

“We could run away.” he said so calmly.

“Why?” I asked him, but I already knew the reasons. At that time, we were not aware of what was happening behind closed doors, but even like this, life at school had begun being dangerous.

“I don’t want to die. I suppose you don’t want to, either.” he said and he didn’t make just another joke or irony. With each passing minute, one of us could become sick and be taken away by the nurses.

“There’s always that door open. And then…we only must find a way to pass through the main gate.” Kyungsoo said, and I wish everything had been that simple. But it wasn’t.

That night we did not talk anymore about any of that. We both came to the conclusion that even the walls had ears.

The summer before the 11th grade passed so slowly, as no one dared to leave their rooms. Not even the guardians. One night, we both discovered that the small door had been locked. So, in the end they must have found out about it. Probably we were not the only ones sneaking outside.

Even the guardians were not to be seen on the hallways, after two of them were taken away by the nurses. But everything was quiet. So quiet that you could hear your own breath and footsteps. Our hopes diminished, with no way to get out of the school and that beginning of the year was the saddest out of all of them.

There was no festivity, no robes and flowers, only classes from the first day, with fewer and fewer students. Some of the guardians left the school before Christmas and never came back. Nobody told us what happened to them, but at the rhythm people were getting sick, no one seemed to care anymore.

Rapidly, it was clear that our studies were not taken as seriously, neither by the teachers, nor by the students. It was a constant waiting, a ticking watch above our heads, counting down the hours and days we had left until a nurse would come to lock us away in a dark room.

What I found strange is that all throughout those years, when so many boys kept getting sick and taken away, to other rooms, none of us questioned what was happening to them. Did they die? Were they alright in the end?

We never found out what happened to Oh Sehun or Baekhyun or any of them. Baekhyun.

I tried not to think about the day they took him. In my mind, he was still alive and Kyungsoo was not saying a word about him either. I even forgot about his idea of running away until one night.

There was one month left before the summer break. None of us was happy.

We were so few that three wings of the school had been closed and a couple more guardians had left.

“I found another way out. Into the yard.” Kyungsoo whispered to me and he seemed so pleased with himself. Solving just another puzzle.

“Where?”

He showed me a bent pin in a strange shape with a huge grin onto his face.

“This is our key.” he said, waving it before my eyes.

“If they catch us…”

“Nobody cares anymore.” he said, putting it back into his pocket.

“Then why don’t they let us go?” I asked him, because it felt so stupid at that point, when all of us knew that in the end, we’ll all die like some rats trapped in a cage.

“They want to keep the appearances. Maybe they even hope that whatever this is, will be cured.” he said and it made sense. It really did, but nothing made sense anymore.

Pretending to care about grades and homework when everyday, 4-5 boys were taken to the medical office, to never come back again. There were so many nurses around us, looking at us, waiting for someone to show any sign of weakness.

One week after Kyungsoo had showed me the pin, we sneaked outside, into the pavilion. It was raining.

“See that part of the fence?” he asked, looking towards some tall bushes that were covering it. “Through there we’ll escape.” he said, patting my shoulder. “Your posture is bad.” he said, and kicked me in the back.

“That hurt.”

“We can make it, right?” he asked me and I was in fact pessimistic about all of it.

I wasn’t even certain whether or not running away would be better than remaining at the school. But Kyungsoo had always persuaded me into taking all sorts of decisions. This one was one of them.

“Of course we can.” I said and squeezed his hand.

A couple more weeks passed and summer break eventually came, without any joy. The heat was unbearable between those walls. There was less and less food, even though we were so few. Kyungsoo told me they were only making deliveries once a month, which was not enough. But not even this stopped the strange disease from killing people.

Each day I’d see someone faint on the hallway; it became so ordinary that I wouldn’t even notice at times. When I think back about it, the only sane thing to do was tell to the remaining of us what was in fact happening. But the guardians were acting as if there had been no disease.

Towards the end of summer, when I was certain Kyungsoo had forgotten all about his plan, he dragged me out to the pavilion. His eyes were red and watery, and I knew something was not alright.

From the way he kept silent the entire way, to how he was only looking down, massaging his wrists.

His usually clean and proper clothes were crinkled and stained. That same night, Kyungsoo had told me what he knew about the experiment.

“You, me…the rest.” he gulped. “We are only an experiment.” he said.

I did not say anything in return. At first, I thought that everything had affected him too much.

“We were only a genetic experiment, what can you not get?! We-we are failures. What can’t you get you get, Chanyeol?” he said and he seemed nuts. Nothing he was telling was in fact making sense.

“Your parents were not your parents. We don’t have parents. You and me and all of them, we were supposed to solve all of their problems. Be immune to diseases. Save the fucking human race.” he said, almost shouting, so I covered his mouth with my hand. I was afraid that they might actually catch us. Kill us, like the rest of them.

“But we didn’t, because we die like the rest of them. The school and the blood tests and all that other crap…they needed to know if we were the cure. God knows what they had in mind.” he continued, like nothing had happened and I didn’t believe anything that he said.

“You’re wrong…from where do you know all of this?”

“It doesn’t matter.” he said and averted his gaze. I never found out who told him all of this. If it was in fact the truth. Who knew? Maybe not even the guardians.

But that night I locked myself into my room and for the next passing weeks, I did not want to believe anything that he had said to me. Kyungsoo did not pressure me, for once in his life, but I could see the fright in his eyes.

At the beginning of September, we were only 50 boys left and 6 guardians. They cancelled the classes, but we were not allowed to leave. I knew at that point that all of us were prisoners. A day after, another guardian was locked away and 3 other boys.

Right then, I did not care if what Kyungsoo had told me was true or not. I needed to live. On a gloomy Friday, a guardian had told us that someone from the government would come the next day to take us away from the school. To save us.

That night we decided to leave. I know that it was too late, but passed midnight, we were running through the yard, right to the fence covered in bushes. It was the first time I heard him cough. He grabbed my hand, to stabilize himself, but it felt final. The disease reached us, finally.

“Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo.”

“I’m fine. Get down and take the fucking pliers.” he told me and pushed them into my hands.

I was shaking and I had no idea what I was supposed to do.

“Kyungsoo.”

“Cut the fucking fence, you idiot.” he said and kicked me, until I fell down.

I crawled through the bushes and indeed, here the fence hadn’t been replaced. The cutting was hard and tedious, as Kyungsoo was coughing from time to time, but every time I would look back at him, he’d give me a kick or hide everything with a cuss. At some point, I had managed to cut a whole big enough for an adult. Kyungsoo pushed the backpack into my hands and then, I noticed that he didn’t have one.

“Where-where’s yours?”

“Go, you moron. They’ll catch you.” he said, and pushed me.

“What about you? Kyungsoo, what about you?”

“Just go, you freaking idiot. Do you want them to catch us both?! You haven’t learnt anything these years.” he said, and pushed me once again, with more force, until I was halfway through that space.

“Why aren’t going with me? Kyungsoo. You can’t leave me right now. I have no fucking idea what I’m supposed to do without you…what am I going to do without?”

“You’ll do just fine.” he said and coughed. He coughed blood.

“Kyungsoo…you can’t stay here…I’m sure it’s nothing. You’ll be fine. You’ll get better. I’m sure of it. Kyungsoo…“

He pushed me once again and I was outside. In the world outside. Without him.

"Kyungsoo…”

“Leave, you fucking moron. I’ll be fine. Someone from the government is coming to save us.” he said and coughed. Blood was trickling down onto his chin.

“Kyungsoo.”

He tried to smile and waved me goodbye.

I was running, trying to put the backpack on my shoulders, looking back at him, getting smaller and smaller, until I couldn’t see him anymore.

The sun was rising and I suddenly realized that I was cold and alone, further and further away from the only place I could then call home. Everything that mattered to me happened between those walls and fences.

I didn’t even know where I was.

I kept on running through the forest I had always seen from the second floor of the boarding school.

At some point I even fell down, from exhaustion. I hadn’t eaten all day. There wasn’t much in the backpack, only a couple of apples and some sandwiches. I don’t know when, but somehow I had managed to reach the hill peak. Bald, without a tree on it.

That’s exactly when I saw it. The school and everything around burning. Everything that I had ever known was on fire.

“Kyungsoo…”

Kyungsoo was in there, where I left him. A part of me wanted to go back there, even though I knew that there was nothing left.

Morning had come, and the government salvation came through the fire. All my memories were burning in there. I did not belong in the outside world.

If it hadn’t been for the sudden cough, I would have kept walking.

But it came out of nowhere, with a thin strip of blood at the edge of my mouth. Since everyone was taken away at the first sign of disease, I did not know how much time I had left. It even seemed that, as years kept passing it had taken it less and less time to kill.

So, I started running back, towards the school, hoping that Kyungsoo was still alive, somewhere. Waiting for me, right next to the fence.

The coughing was getting worse, making me weaker and dizzier. I quickly realized that the forest had caught on fire too.

I didn’t even get the chance who tell him how much I loved him. How much I hated him.

That I couldn’t see my life without him in it. I think I’ll end this here. I can’t walk to the school, my legs won’t listen to me anymore and the blood has already stained these pages.

I wonder if this is the only place they had set on fire. I wonder if Kyungsoo is still right next to the fence. I wonder if he had loved me all this time…

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i thought that i should give some sort of broader explanation for this, since i feel like it left a couple of questions unanswered.  
> i got this idea of a world decimated by untreatable diseases, where the government has started a secret project of engineering the perfect babies-that will be resistent to all diseases. they were given temporary homes and parents until the age of 7-8, and afterwards they would go to the boarding school. the entire purpose of that school was to monitor those kids and see if the experiment was a success. in the end, it failed and to keep the secrecy, they chose to burn down all those "boarding schools".  
> [ this ](https://www.technologyreview.com/s/535661/engineering-the-perfect-baby/) is quite an interesting article about this sort of "engineering"  
> Comments are well loved <3


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